A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
work smarter, not harder
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO