This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My boss called in sick of me
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.