@phxguy88: A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
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@batkaren: I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I'm breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
@JennyJohnsonHi5: My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you. Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair. (silence)