@phxguy88: A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
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@TheMichaelRock: Me: We need to hire smarter people. HR: Why? Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this? HR...
@gurl_sour: Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
@jwoodham: Don't text and drive. Just pull over until you're done using your phone. That's what I do. I've been on the side of the road since 2011.
@Seinfeld2000: GERG: She licked ur donut? JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER! GERG: gross! JERY: she also said she "hates america" GERG: Donut licking traitor!