He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
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ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.