A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
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Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
The symmetry is uncanny.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar