A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
A great tip. #CakeRex
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
me, too, girl. me, too.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Selfie
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Basically.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣