[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
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I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.