I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
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Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here