a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion