I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
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[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.