A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”