A flock of dads is called a grill.
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
this article brought to you by lions
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.