A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
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by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
*checks Timeline*…
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god