A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
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I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.