DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
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My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.