A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)