When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
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Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.