Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
You Might Also Like
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me