@Underchilde: A friend asked how I’d describe a hot air balloon, and I just told him it’s a lot like my ex, but with a basket.
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@BitchyJasmine: I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he'll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
@retreminy: I illegally download music, but only Metallica. They seem to be pretty cool about it.
@TheToddWilliams: WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage? ME: I made a cloning machine. WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid. OTHER ME: Like what?
@HeelyHanson: Will you marry me? 'Is a marriage proposal' Will, you, Mary, me? 'A foursome inquiry'