A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
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“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
they finally got him. they got macavity
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.