Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
You Might Also Like
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Human are so complicated
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.