A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Pringles
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]