@JohnLyonTweets: A friend is in jail and I can't help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
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@LuvPug: Just pulled into the 'Expecting Mothers' parking spot at Walmart because I'm fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
@Underchilde: Success is measured by how long it takes your boss to notice you’re not at your desk.
@girlontapas: Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap... So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn't sleep through my alarm again.
@juliussharpe: Someone tell my kid that if I wanted to hear high-pitched shrieking all night, I would have become a murderer.