The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
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That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft