@MrAdamBez: A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.
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@truegritrumble: Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid's packed lunch.
@DiGiornoPizza: Imagine a world without pizza. No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I'M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I'M SORRY
@DaHess1: If you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don't have to sell you anything.
@TweetsByTheTony: In pretty sure my wife's most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.