I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Has there ever been a more American story?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!