Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
#Caturday
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
every. time.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr