One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
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*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
me, too, girl. me, too.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Bless you
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.