A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
These are my roll models.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing