A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*