That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Wait a second…
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Classic German Shepherd 😂
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.