a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
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Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.