a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
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is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]