Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
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Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said