@iwearaonesie: a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with 'her'
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@HousewifeOfHell: My kid's latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
@Bagyants: All police should quit, just to teach us a lesson. We'll beg them to beat and gas us, but they'll be like nope, you didn't appreciate it
@daemonic3: "KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE'RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!" -- Centipede parents
@10InchesPlus: *sees oven left on "What moron left the oven on!?" *tries repeatedly to turn it off "WTF!? Stupid oven!" *realizes 425 is the time