skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.