@BigBagOfScum: A fun thing to do is comment "that ain't the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
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@TheToddWilliams: [creation] GOD: Let's name some of you bugs FLY: Me first! GOD: Okay…Fly FLY: Hell yeah! BUTTERFLY: Now me! GOD: Hmm…Butterfly FLY: Sonuvab-
@lazerdoov: My girlfriend told me she's "spotting" and I'm like yeah right for who? You can't even bench 50 Lbs lol
@ReneeHooray: Found out a guy I dated was in jail for attempted murder. He never even tried to take me camping, I'm not even good enough to kill.
@3sunzzz: Even if you're really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970'S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!