A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
You Might Also Like
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I think this should do it.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.