@EndhooS: A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say "I don't get it?"
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@JessicaVarsity: Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
@murrman5: [ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected] camera guy: don't try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
@SteveSuckington: Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love. This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.