A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
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Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Rambo Rambow
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.