A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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my name if I was in the mob
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON