My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me