@Book_Krazy: A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
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@KalvinMacleod: Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There's more sweater on their sweater already.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school. 4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest? My wife: He cried the most.
@nickwiger: [on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said "enjoy your meal" why did I reply "you too"
@jbillinson: Biden: They don't really think I'd say this stuff, right? Obama: Come on Joe, you've said worse Biden: HE'S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE