A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
jesus, what did this guy do
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”