a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
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I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name