A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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I can’t stop watching this.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”