A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
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Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
secret recipe
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Worth the read.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”