A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
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Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Van Gone
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?