A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
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*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
The asteroid..
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
PLOT TWIST:
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.