Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
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Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
LMAO.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?