[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Terribly Tuesday.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.