[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
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My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.