[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
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[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.