A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
my mom making me talk to relatives
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice