@Ristolable: A girl on Facebook says it's officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
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@fart: theres a train nerd counting the number of ppl that get on and off at every stop. at first i pitied him but he seems happy so now i hate him
@underchilde: Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.
@Sarcasticsapien: Interviewer: Where were you born? Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That's not what I meant. M: I don't care.
@Terdoh: Me: And what do you do if I tell you I'm having a heart attack? Siri: I clear your browser history. Me: That's right darling.