@causticbob: A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
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@AlexvanBeek: It's 2035: By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
@TEXASVETERAN: I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
@amishschool: Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class: "OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS."