A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Breaking news:
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.