@hellohappy_time: A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven't been trained for this
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@BrettDruck: May he without sin cast the first stone [Everybody picks up rocks] Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin [Everybody puts rocks back down]
@Carbosly: When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think "wow, whoever sat here was very thin".
@LizHackett: I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out "DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?"