@hellohappy_time: A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven't been trained for this
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@KeetPotato: burglar: [breaks into house] my dog: "BARK BARK BARK BARK" burglar: [strokes dog's head] my dog: "i have misjudged this very nice man"
@BuckyIsotope: MAMA Be quiet Freddie JUST KILLED A MAN As your lawyer I- PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD Just- PULLED THE TRIGGER- We plead guilty, Your Honor
@hipchkk: Packing my daughter's prom kit...lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I've uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
@thecrabbyhook: You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she's allergic to owls.